This is something… not new?

I thought I have grown out of the stage of being so angry. I suppose when it hurts, the worst side of us gets out. When you feel that people hurt you, you just want to hurt them first, and most often, it’s hard to see beyond the red haze at that point of time.

This is tiring. I’m all drained out after one session. I actually cannot feel what was the argument about at this point of time after I calmed down. the main point, perhaps being, you would want me to take your side, while I can’t, cause it’s just me, how I behave and do things. to me, taking your slide would mean blindly supporting you.

instead of supporting you the way you wish me to, I would rather push you to see what’s wrong, find the fault and resolve it once and for all, or at least, get this out of the system and out of the way.

you might say, I have not felt being lied to over and over again, or felt being let down or whatsoever cause I’m not presenting myself to be on your side. at the point of time, all I could thought of was, HOW COULD YOU had said that to me? It’s so harsh and hurting. For all you know, I love/loved with a huge passion for some of the people who had appeared in my life that despite getting hurt and injured I still do so. despite them leaving me behind in their lives all so often. You might had told me it’s no biggie and these people doesn’t deserve me, but for me, it’s always hard to let go. they stay a part of my life and my mannerisms and behaviors for the longest time. cause they made me grow, and taught me how to grow.

sometimes, i think you are one of my best friends, so I thought you might know, even if you don’t exactly represent so.

 

I do treasure it, else I would not have hoped so hardly for a reaction from you. and the only main reaction I read from you is that it’s not worth it. that i’m not worth it.

I’ve said time and time after, I actually have extremely low self es-stem. it all translate to me that I was never worth it. like all those people who left me behind in their lives and I couldn’t come to total terms with it.

 

 

I’m too tired for any further discussion suddenly. hais.